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Tapping Deep Intimacy Introduction

EFT: A Quick Fix for Your Broken Relationship!

Audio Programs with Dawson Church, PhD about the science of intimate relationships

EFT: A Quick Fix for Your Broken Relationship!

Audio Program with Dawson Church, PhD about the Tapping Deep Intimacy program — plus Naomi and Derek talk about how these techniques have transformed their relationship:

Audio Program on the science of intimate relationships

We all have habits. From which shoe we put on first each day, to the way we drive our cars, to the way we think about love and relationships, our lives are governed by habit. As you’ve discovered as you’ve tried to improve your life, changing those habits is very hard. This is because our brains rewire themselves around our habits, so that the only information-processing circuits we have in our nervous systems are the ones that are formed by our habits: we don’t even have the neural wiring for other behavior.

Even our hormones like adrenaline and cortisol have “set points,” a range of highs and lows beyond which we feel very physically uncomfortable. In these ways our bodies and brains keep us stuck, and hold us back from change, even if our current reality is awful. When it comes to love and relationships, your habits might have led you to so many disappointments that you don’t really believe its possible to change.

Yet even long-ingrained love habits can change very quickly using the powerful tools taught in the Tapping Deep Intimacy course. It’s based on exciting new brain science that exploits loopholes in the way our neural networks are constructed to rewire us for positive love experiences. New research, like a study I conducted of the primary stress hormone cortisol, also shows us how we can shift our set points.

The technique I teach most is EFT or Emotional Freedom Techniques; I’m the author of The EFT Manual (3rd Edition). It’s often called “tapping” because it has people tap with their fingertips on acupuncture points. When you tap, while thinking about a traumatic memory, the emotional charge attached to the memory rapidly dissipates. There are many scientific studies on the stress-reducing effects of acupuncture, and also of tapping.

The following video shows me working with a client named Deb on a memory from her teenage years that’s scarred her life and kept her from fulfilling relationships. After that, I’ll introduce you to EFT, and how you can use it to get the same spectacular results obtained by Deb and others.

Video Case History from Week 1 of the Tapping Deep Intimacy Course

Introduction to the Tapping Deep Intimacy Course (Week 1)

At an EFT workshop, when I asked for a volunteer with a current emotional issue, Josh, fifty-two, stepped forward. He was tall, well dressed, and articulate, and revealed a thoughtful gentleness as he explained his dilemma. He wanted to divorce his wife but was troubled by the emotional pain this would cause her.

From Divorce to Commitment in Thirty Minutes

By Josh

Josh explained that he and his wife had been going to weekly couples therapy for the previous three years, as they attempted to work on the issues in their twenty-eight-year marriage. Their children were grown and had left home a year before they started counseling. Without their former shared focus on child-rearing, Josh and his wife were thrown together more than they had ever been in the course of their marriage. They had quickly discovered that they didn’t like each other that much, or perhaps they had grown apart while parenting, without realizing it. Josh was a Buddhist, with a vibrant spiritual practice; his wife had remained a Catholic and did not support her husband’s new spiritual path.

The pain on Josh’s face as he worried about the emotional devastation he suspected a divorce would cause his wife was evident. But he felt that he’d given the marriage “his best shot” in couples counseling, and he’d privately decided that a divorce was inevitable. His presenting emotional problem was telling his wife.

I asked how intense his feelings were on a scale from 0 (peace) to 10 (extreme turmoil). He said they were an 8. I asked a classic question from EFT training: “How do you know they’re an 8?” Josh put his hand over his heart, indicating he felt it in his body. I asked, “What’s the earliest time in your life you felt that specific physical feeling in your chest?” He replied that it was when he was five years old. I asked what he remembered from that period, and he answered, “My dad’s eyes. When he got mad, he would look at us with fury in his eyes.”

“Think of a specific event when your dad’s eyes were particularly furious,” I requested. He described a road trip when he and his brother were in the backseat of the car, fighting. His dad told them to stop. They did for a while but then started again. Josh’s dad lost his temper, swung his arm around in a big arc, and clobbered both boys in the face.

I asked how strong his feelings were as he recalled the incident, and he said 10. I had him silently recall the incident in his mind, as though he were watching a movie, and do EFT tapping at the same time. We started with a neutral point in his movie, when the family—his mom, dad, and brother—was getting into the car. Little Josh was excited and looking forward to the ride.

I had him visualize the next part of the story, asking how he felt when he fought with his brother. “We were always fighting,” he said. “It didn’t mean anything. I’m still a 0.” He took the movie further, to when his dad turned around and told the boys to stop. Josh visualized his dad’s eyes, and his intensity level went up to a 6. We did EFT till it was down to a 2. I then asked Josh to rewind to the neutral point at the start of the movie, and begin again. He got to the point of seeing his dad’s eyes, and was down to a 1, so he kept on with the movie. When he reached the part where his dad hit him, he went up to a 4 for the sting of his father’s hand on his face, and we did more EFT till that was a 2.

He then told the story out loud, and remained at a level of 1 or 0 the whole time. He let out a big sigh of relief at the end. I asked him for his intensity around his dad’s eyes at other times in his childhood, and he said that his father had been a good dad and usually controlled his temper, but on that occasion, Josh and his brother had provoked him beyond his limits. He said he loved his father very much and he remembered how much his father loved him, and how much love poured through his father’s eyes.

I said to Josh, “Tell me about your wife.”

He said slowly, “I love so many things about my wife. She’s my best friend, and we have so many good times together now that the kids are gone.”

The rest of the workshop participants let out a collective gasp of astonishment. Here was a man who had come up to the front of the room to work on the issue of telling his wife he wanted a divorce. Now, after tapping on a specific childhood event, he was telling us all how much he loved his wife! “What about getting a divorce?” I asked him.

“I have twenty-eight years invested in this marriage,” he said, “and we can’t go there without putting a lot more effort into making it work.” I asked him about the feeling in his chest he had earlier when thinking about his wife, and he reported that now he had nothing but warm feelings for her.

The whole class was deeply moved watching the evolution of Josh’s feelings. He went from an 8 in his chest around telling his wife about a divorce to “warm feelings” in the same area—without even once working on the current worries about his wife, his marriage, or a divorce. Just doing EFT on an early event with a similar emotional template was enough to collapse the emotional intensity of the current event. The present problem is rarely the actual problem, and addressing the underlying problem is often enough to dissipate the emotional charge of the present problem. Healing the past often heals the present too.

Enjoy All Twelve Weeks

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Quick and Radical Relationship Shifts

Can you imagine turning around your love relationships this radically and this quickly? Can you imagine a relationship with a coworker, with your child, with your parent, shifting in this way? Can you imagine a relationship life in which you heal your own emotional trauma and, in so doing, heal all the relationships around you? Can you imagine being in a relationship with a partner who works on his or her own emotional baggage the way Josh did? Can you imagine living real and present emotional contact with others, instead of replaying old childhood scripts? Can you imagine what the world would look like if millions of people were emotionally free of the old behaviors that cripple their current relationships?

With EFT, these positive visions can become reality. That’s the promise of EFT. Just as fast as Josh shifted his entire attitude toward his marriage, you can shift your old patterns of relating. You picked up beliefs and attitudes—whether you’re aware of them or not—from your parents, teachers, caregivers, and peers. The behaviors they modeled for you are the ones that became ingrained in your brain. Even though you might believe “That’s just the way I am” or “That’s just the way people are,” it’s actually a limited view you picked up early in life. The great German philosopher Schopenhauer said, “Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world” (Studies in Pessimism). When you change yourself internally and change the way you relate, you see a different world “out there.” The people out there might not have changed, yet when you change, you see them differently and relate to them differently.

EFT is the fastest personal growth tool I’ve found to produce these kinds of changes in perception and behavior, either in yourself or in others. The reason EFT is so effective is that it uses elements of two proven psychotherapy methods but turbocharges their effectiveness by adding a third ingredient. The two psychotherapy methods are cognitive therapy and exposure therapy. Cognitive therapy involves changing the way you think about problems. Exposure therapy involves having you focus repeatedly on situations that bother you. Research has shown each of these techniques to be effective on its own in treating certain psychological problems, for example, panic attacks or phobias.

EFT adds a magic ingredient to the mix. That ingredient is stimulating acupuncture points (called acupoints) on your body, simply by tapping on them with your fingertips. You might have read about how effective acupuncture is for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), pain, and other problems. Yet you don’t have to use needles to accomplish the effect; light pressure on the points has been shown in a randomized controlled trial to be just as effective as the insertion of needles. EFT uses this acupoint pressure, or acupressure, for short, to produce the same calming effect as acupuncture does. Because it doesn’t require needles or any special training, you can do it yourself any time you choose. To do EFT, you simply tap or rub with your fingertips on twelve calming acupressure points. You’ll be amazed at how quickly acupoint stimulation like this can make you feel better. When paired with the cognitive and exposure parts of EFT, the combination is phenomenally effective.

Here’s another story drawn from my experience of what can happen in your relationship life when you use EFT.

I’ll Never Find My Soul Mate

By Zach

Zach was a participant in one of my Level 1 workshops. He courageously volunteered to work on his issue in front of the whole group. He was in his early thirties. He was tall, slender, handsome, well-spoken and well-dressed, with big brown eyes and a shock of bountiful black hair. His high-paying job as a software engineer required him to commute regularly between the United Kingdom, various Asian countries, and the United States. I was astonished when he told me that he’d had few—and unsatisfying—relationships with women. He was on a search for his soul mate, and his experiences had convinced him that he would never find her.

I asked Zach to say, out loud, several times, “I’ll never find my soul mate.” His face contorted in misery as he spoke the words. I then asked him to tune in to his body, and tell me where the strongest physical sensations were located. “In my heart area,” he said miserably.

I asked him, “What was the first time in your life you remember having that feeling in your heart area.” Without hesitating he replied, “When my mom spanked me after my fifth birthday.” He went on to tell me that some of his friends had misbehaved during the birthday party, and his mom, trying to deal with a room full of adults and children, was overwhelmed. She took him into his bedroom, screamed at him, and swatted him as hard as she could.

Using EFT, we worked on each aspect of the memory. We worked on the expression on his mom’s face, the physical pain, the disappointment of his special day turning into a nightmare. Zach’s face alternated between tears and relief as we worked on issue after issue. Like peeling layers of an onion, we got deeper and deeper with each sequence of EFT tapping.

Eventually Zach’s face was peaceful, and he was able to repeat the whole birthday story as though it was no big deal. At that point, I hit him with his big issue, “I’ll never find my soul mate.”

He was calm as he replied, “I know my soul mate is out there, and she’ll come to me at the perfect time. If she’d come to me before now, I would have destroyed the relationship with her before it got started. I wouldn’t have gotten close to someone, like I was close to my mom, only to get hurt. So I would have sabotaged the relationship, the way I’ve sabotaged all my previous relationships. I guess I have to work through my childhood stuff first. That’s the most important task for me at the moment. When I can create a safe emotional environment inside of me, then I have a good place where my soul mate can land.”

Those of us watching Zach were moved to tears. He’d taken a long emotional journey in just a few minutes. He’d begun with despair that he’d never find his soul mate. He’d identified the cause of his distress in a seemingly-unrelated childhood event. He’d gone on to make the link between self-healing, and attracting a soul mate. He’d realized that it wasn’t the world outside that needed to change; it was his own internal world that needed to change. With EFT, he now had a tool with which to make those changes safely and relatively painlessly.

Are you inspired yet by the possibilities for transforming your own relationships that Zach’s story and Josh’s stories represent? Isn’t it exciting to imagine how this kind of shift might change many parts of your life for the better?

Here’s How Fast It Works

I’m not going to keep you in suspense before giving you a taste of EFT’s transformative power. EFT is so quick to learn and so simple to use that you can pick up the essentials in a very short time. Though mastering the full suite of nearly fifty EFT techniques can take months or years, EFTs Basic Recipe can be applied in just a few minutes. So let’s do it together now! Here are the steps:

1. Think of a single brief incident between you and someone you love that bothered or upset you emotionally. Pick something that occurred within the past two weeks.

2. Give the incident a short name. If the incident were a movie, what would the title be?

3. Rate how much the incident bothered you, using a scale from 0 to 10, where 0 means it didn’t bother you at all, and 10 means it had the biggest emotional impact possible. (This scale is known as the SUD scale; SUD stands for Subjective Units of Distress.)

4. How do you know it’s that particular number? There’s probably a feeling in your body that tells you, when you think of the incident. For example, you might feel butterflies in your stomach or tightness in your chest whenever you think of the event. In that case, use “stomach” or “chest.”

5. Now, tap on the outside edge of your hand (see the illustration) with the fingertips of the other hand. This spot is called, for obvious reasons, the Karate Chop point. 6. While tapping on the Karate Chop point, say these words: Even though I’m upset about ______[your movie title],I deeply and completely accept myself. Say this three times, and keep tapping while you do.

7. Now tap with your fingertips on each of the points on your face and torso as shown in the accompanying illustration. Tap lightly seven to ten times on each point. While tapping, say your movie title out loud.

8. Take a deep breath. Let’s go through the tapping process again. While tapping on your Karate Chop point, say:

Even though I’m upset about _______[your movie title],I deeply and completely accept myself.

9. Now, while saying your movie title out loud, tap through the face and torso EFT points one more time.

10. Take another deep breath. Think about the upsetting incident again. Tune in to that same location in your body, and assess the intensity of your upsetting movie. Write down your new number here:

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

That’s it! You’ve done your first round of EFT tapping. Compare your first and second numbers. You’ll probably find that the number dropped a lot, if you’re like most people who try EFT. People are often surprised that their level of upset can plummet so far and so fast, which is quite common with EFT. Incidents that have really bothered a person in the past quickly lose their emotional impact. That’s what the “emotional freedom” in the EFT name means: you can quickly get free from the emotions that have gripped your attention in the past.

Enjoy All Twelve Weeks

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Our Journey Together

Here’s how the rest of this course unfolds. In the coming weeks, we’ll introduce you to EFTs “Basic Recipe.” This method is called Clinical EFT, because it has been scientifically validated in many clinical trials, which you can find listed on the EFT website, research.EFTUniverse.com. You can also read thousands of case histories there, written by people who’ve successfully used EFT for a wide range of problems. If you need inspiration, just type the word “relationships” into the search engine on the site, and you’ll find many stories written by people who have used EFT for their relationship problems, with great results. You can also find the names of hundreds of certified EFT practitioners who offer phone or in-person coaching for tough relationship issues.

Just knowing how to use EFT to help rescue a broken relationship makes taking this training more than worth your while. This course offers you far more than that, however. It will show you how to rewire your brain to make you predisposed to great relationships—not just good relationships, but great relationships. Not just a few new skills grafted on to the same old you, but a whole new you. Not just a temporary change, but lifetime transformation.

After the foundation of the Basic Recipe in the coming week you will learn a practical new skill each week and use EFT to reinforce your transformation. By the time you’ve completed the twelve-week program, you’ll have rewired the neural networks in your brain in a way that makes your transformation permanent.

In the next day or two, please purchase a blank personal journal in which you can record your process over the coming twelve weeks. This will be your relationship journal, and by the end of our twelve-week journey, you’ll be amazed at the difference between the beginning and the end of the journal. Problems that obsessed you at the beginning will be solved. Lifelong patterns you noted at the start of your journal will have begun to change. Dead patches in your relationship life will have begun to bring forth green shoots. Journaling allows you to celebrate the shifts you make.

The coming 12 modules explore common relationship problems and demonstrate how they can be resolved with EFT. You’ll discover how your early childhood experiences shape the way you act in your adult relationships. You’ll learn how the neural networks in your brain function and how, through those networks, old dysfunctional behaviors become entrenched. Yet the pathways in your brain can be rewired to predispose you to fulfillment and happiness. EFT is the most powerful tool I know to produce this kind of fundamental shift in brain structure. You’ll also learn many important skills to improve your relationships—including active listening, asking for what you need, staying in the present moment, and fostering deep intimacy—and how each of these powerful skills can be turbocharged by EFT.